A year ago today I became the girlfriend of a man (if you can call him that) who I thought, I was going to be with for a very long time. As you will know, I'm now no longer with this person due to their selfish and thoughtless acts. Since about the age of 12 years old I have really struggled with my confidence. I was picked on at school, called fat and ugly and that stuck with me for a very long time. Around April last year when I was going through another break up, I took it upon myself to change my attitudes and my body and begin to love myself. I accepted that I wasn't going to be the next Victoria Secret model, I accepted that I wouldn't have men falling at my feet, but I did accept that this was me and I loved myself.

When someone has been cheated on, they often seek for revenge or send hate to the person in question. However with me, I just did not have the energy to stoop as low as he did. We rarely talk about the other factors that come with being cheated on. Yes, we've lost someone who we loved and cared for. Yes, we've lost the future that we had planned and imagined. But, the main thing I've lost is my own self love and confidence. As I'm writing this, my eyes are beginning to tear up because at the moment I feel as if I'm never going to get that self confidence and love back. He has taken that away from me and that is one thing I will never forgive him for. He spent the last year telling me how beautiful I was, how lucky he was to be with me (which he definitely was)... even the morning after he slept with her, he was looking at me while I was looking at myself in the mirror and he was telling me how pretty I looked... knowing full well what he had done to me the day before. 

When I found out what he had done, I felt physically sick to think that I kissed and touched him after he had been with her... I didn't know where she had been and neither did he, he put my health at risk. Which makes this even more confusing for me because it was difficult for us to even sleep together because of what he has, yet he managed to jump into bed with her in a heart beat. That made me feel like I wasn't good enough, like I was doing something wrong and he can tell me time and time again that it wasn't my fault; but there has to be a reason for him to do what he did and I still haven't got an answer. A lot of people have said to me that this is a reflection on him and not me, which I'm trying so hard to believe but my mind does not want to accept that. 

For around a few weeks after everything had happened, I could barely look at myself in the mirror, I couldn't sleep alone in my bed and I had to have my mum sleep next to me, I could barely touch my own body because I felt like they were both on me... I could have endless showers but I'd still feel dirty. I didn't want to put makeup on for a while because all I could keep thinking was that this makeup was on my face when it had 'her' on it. I know it may sound stupid but I know that Rich, if you're reading this, you can definitely understand how this feels... I don't want to make you feel even more guilty than you already feel but the thoughts you've struggled with for a very long time, are now very similar to how you have made me feel. I am in no way saying that I'm suffering in the same way you do, because I've lived with you and I know how hard it is for you... but the same feelings are still there. I can accept what you've done with her because you were clearly very desperate for whatever you did with her, but I can't accept how you have made me hate every single inch of my body. 

I spent hours doing what I could to try and feel clean again. I scrubbed and scrubbed my lips until they were red raw, split and bleeding. I just wanted to get them off of me. My lips used to be my favourite feature about myself, now whenever I look at them, they just look dirty. When I knew every single detail of what they did... from the moment they got naked, to the point where they finished, all I could think about was where I touched him or where he had touched me a few hours after he had been with her. I scrubbed my body to the point it was painful to touch, I didn't feel like 'me' anymore, I lost a sense of who I am. 

I now get too scared to talk to guys and when they compliment me, it just makes me feel sick. I can't trust what they say and I feel like I'm being lied to all over again. I know I shouldn't hate all men for one man's stupid actions, but that is how I feel. It has made me feel vulnerable and lost. 
I'm now at the point where I want to love myself again. I want to spend time doing my hair and makeup and to leave the house feeling confident. I want to get to the stage where talking to a guy, doesn't fill me with anxiety and fear of getting hurt again. I want to wear things I wouldn't normally wear and just have fun with clothes, hair and makeup and just create a new 'me'. I am beginning to lose weight and feel a bit more confident in clothes, which I guess is one good step towards recovery.

So, here I am again with another life update post and unfortunately this one isn't going to be as happy as my previous post. Honestly, at the moment my emotions are everywhere, I'm not really sure how to feel anymore... the only way I can describe my feelings is 'empty'. 

One major change in my life since writing my last post, is the fact I am now single; maybe I just don't have much luck with relationships haha! Although he broke up with me, there are no hard feelings at all. He had his reasons and I respect them, unfortunately I couldn't do anything to change the way he feels... it just wasn't meant to be. We have both agreed we want to remain friends (eventually) as we do have mutual friends and as I said before, it's no ones fault, no one has done anything wrong... so I guess I've just gained a really good friend from this! 
However, this doesn't mean that I'm all happy and dandy about this 'situation', if anything I'm just hurt. Break ups are never easy and they certainly are NOT fun! Before I met him, I was finally happy in myself and life... then he came along and I have never felt happier... everything just fell into place; it's just a shame he didn't feel the same way; but that is life! What I'm finding the hardest is getting back to that 'happy place'. I feel like I am back to square one. I need to regain my confidence, feel happy in myself again and stop being so hard on myself and just accept that 'that's life'!