My Dating World: The Lows & Highs
Kayleigh from Very Berry Cosmo was lovely enough to invite me to the book launch of First Dates: The Art Of Love By Fred Sirieix and of course I was VERY excited! I am a massive fan of the programme and Fred himself (I mean look at him, what is not to like?!). The event was so good; free alcohol (YES), canapés, celebs and I was greeted by Fred himself on arrival and handed a rose! I was definitely out of my comfort zone haha... one minute I'm scoffing my face in McDonalds, next minute I'm overlooking the most stunning view of London in Galvin At Windows sipping cocktails with celebs... what is my life?! *pinch me*
Chapter 1: Hopes and Dreams
Fred says: "Keep an open mind and an open heart"
This can be applied to pretty much everything! I don't think this is where I have gone wrong in dating in the past. I am the most open minded person you will meet. I have been brought up in a family that is very open minded. I can speak to my parents about anything and everything. Sex and relationships especially are not a taboo subject in my family; we are all very open (to some extent)... so no topic is a taboo to me... I could talk for hours about anything with someone.
Chapter 2: Ready Steady Date
Fred says: "Don't try to rush love or hold on to something that is not real"
Ok now this is one thing in particular that I have struggled with in these past few months. My last relationship is basically the perfect example of this quote! I met my ex at the beginning of this year; I didn't plan on meeting him, it just happened (which I sometimes think is better... it's always a bit more special when you're not actually looking for anything and then one day it randomly comes of out of nowhere). But after a month or so of meeting, we then became a couple. I was really happy in this relationship, I hope that he was happy and didn't regret anything; but obviously we did rush things and he wasn't ready and it became evident that we were not the ones for each other... it's crap, but that's the dating world I suppose!
Chapter 3: Arrival
Fred says: "If your date doesn't realise you're acting in an awkward way because of nerves, it can leave them thinking you're not interested."
When I went on my first proper date, I was a bag of nerves but also excited. It was the fear of the unknown. As soon as we got in the car, I said how nervous I was and he said he was too. This made it so much easier because we both knew we were in the same boat! The rest of the date wasn't awkward in the slightest and the date flowed... it was definitely the best date I've ever had (not that I've had many).
Chapter 4: Breaking The Ice
Fred says: "As long as you have a sexy attitude you can be incredibly attractive- no matter how you look."
I definitely do not think I'm the most attractive woman on this earth but I'm hoping one day, someone finds me attractive enough to want to go on a date with me. Over text, Twitter, Snapchat, you name it, I can be really flirty. I am a naturally flirty person, which I am yet to conclude whether this is a good or bad thing. However, in real life I find it a bit harder to be naturally flirty (unless I've had a few drinks); once I get to know the person and I become more comfortable, I can be flirty. I 100% need to work on my flirting in real life and not just rely on the trusty smirky face emoji and a seductive gif... we are all guilty of that haha!
Chapter 5: Building the Bond
Fred says: "If you don't have a good heart how can you feel love?"
I like to think I have a very good heart! All I want to do is help people and make them happy; when I feel like I have failed to do that, whether that's in a friendship or a relationship, I am quite hard on myself. I sometimes think my heart is too big; I fully invest myself in someone and maybe scare them off a bit. I know I do it. I can be very full on and I do need to learn not to be so fully invested right away. I hope to learn from my mistakes and hopefully when/if I ever get into another relationship, I will be less full on and not scare them off. Ever seen the film 'How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days'? Well... I'm borderline on that sometimes.
Fred says: "First dates should be about laughter and lightness, and later dates are for sharing more."
THIS is exactly where I go wrong. Remember me saying that I am an open book?! Well, I can reveal too much information about myself from the get go, leaving my date feeling overwhelmed (probably scared) and in a way they lose the chance to find out more about you. I am definitely going to have to build more of a wall (Yes, if you have watched Celebs Go Dating on channel 4, you'll know about these walls, or eggs in baskets haha). I will need to play harder to get the next time I date!
Chapter 7: Body Language
Fred says: "When you feel relaxed, your body will tell your date exactly that."
I haven't got much confidence, so it takes time for me to feel more comfortable around people/dates; and when I am comfortable then my body language will change. When I first met my ex's parents I guess I acted more reserved and I was the best behaved Sophie rather than the loud mouth Sophie that swears in every possible sentence. After I met them, my ex said to me "Why did you act like that?"; it made me realise that I do change the way I behave around certain people, but that is just me. I guess I have a 'wall' in that sense; I would like to naturally be confident around people, but that's one thing that I will never change. If people can see past the initial quiet, shy Sophie and they still want to know me more, then I will 100% become more confident and comfortable around them. The people that write me off from the start, do not deserve to get to know the 'real' Sophie.
Chapter 8: Coping With Surprises
Fred says: "The only way we can accept other people is by accepting ourselves."
With dating, you need to remember that you are two DIFFERENT people... you are going to have different views and opinions on things even though you are a 'couple', it does not mean that you are not compatible, it just means that you're human. You need to accept that you are not going to have 100% the same views and opinions. One person might put their milk in their tea before the water and the other person will put the water in before the milk (the right way ;) ) I don't think I've had a problem with my boyfriends opinions in the past. Yes I didn't agree with some of them but if we all agreed on the same things, then the world would be a boring place!
Chapter 9: Drinking & Dating
Fred says: "Don't be that person who gets completely hammered when their date is sipping sparkling water."
I can definitely say I have not done this on dates. I will have a few drinks on a date but I would never get completely hammered. Trust me, when I am drunk, I am not a pretty sight. I have been dragged out of bars... yes I am that person. So I know my limits. I know I should definitely not be flat out drunk on the first dates. So this isn't why I'm single.
Chapter 10: Time Out
Fred says: "If you need to analyse everything when you're with someone you may be thinking a little too much, or you are not at the right date."
I am a BIG believer of whatever happens, is meant to happen. I always go with my gut feeling. If I am on a date or just texting someone, if my gut feeling is "S*** am I doing the right thing" then I know that they're not the one. I am very independent... I know what I like, don't like... I know my limits, so this is definitely not why I am single haha! I also feel like I do not need a man in my life to define me; I am me, I don't need a boyfriend to be happy!
Chapter 11: Sexual Chemistry
Fred says: "Sex moves to a different level when it feels like there are fireworks going off as soon as you meet each other."
This may be breaking news to some people but, no I am NOT a virgin. I do not think sex should define a relationship but I do believe that if it doesn't work, then it doesn't work... you all know what I mean by that! There is SO much taboo around sex. To me, it is just a natural thing and we do need to talk about it more and embrace it. It shouldn't matter when you lose your virginity or who it was with, as long as you feel that it is right and you feel comfortable then that is all that matters! I knew when it was right and although I'm no longer with the person I lost virginity to, I do not regret it at all. I didn't feel forced, I was asked by him multiple times if I was sure and I felt completely safe! When you know, you know.
Fred says: "There has to be a connection up top for there to be a connection down below."
(This has to be one of my favourite quotes from this book)
I believe that if there isn't that initial attraction and sexual attraction then it just won't work; do you really want to be living the rest of your life with a rubbish sex life. No?! Me either! BUT this also applies to personalities. If one person is really outgoing and the other person is maybe a little more timid then they may clash; although, opposites do sometimes attract! If you are not going to get on in a 'personality way' then you are not going to get on in a sexual way (in more ways than one). You have to be fully compatible sexually and 'mentally' in order to work. I think that is maybe where I have gone wrong in the past. Although, sexually we worked, mentally it may have clashed here and there...but that's ok... it's crap but it's ok. It has taught me a lot of lessons and I believe that my next relationship will be different... in a good way!
Chapter 13: Made in Heaven
Fred says: "You will never know whether someone is everything you want on the very first date."
I completely agree with this. I do not let it be the be all and end all on the first date. I do give them a chance. If your gut feeling on the first date is literally to run a million miles away then yeah, it is pretty obvious that they are not the one. However, there may be a few blips on the first date, but I usually let them slide and get to know the person more. I find that once I get to know the persons personality more, then I 'fall for them'... the physical attraction then follows. I know my type but then at the same time I have dated/spoken to people that are not my type, but if they have an amazing personality, I will fall for them. I am definitely a personality person over a looks person!
Chapter 14: Made in Hell
Fred says: " You don't want to be the reason why someone shies away from love even more."
You will have dates that are maybe not Romeo and Juliet level and they will end up being more Titanic; but the most important thing is to let the person down gently. If you are either breaking up with someone or just saying that you don't want to go on another date with them; DO NOT completely shut them down... give them compliments, give them something to work with. I have been rejected and dumped before and believe me, it is the worst feeling. It comes close to grieving a loss (in a way it is). It is a really negative and soul crushing time but if you give them compliments, it gives that little positivity in the negative situation. I am a very honest person and I will say it how it is, but at the same time I do have a heart; I won't completely shut someone down because I know how that feels. But don't let the rejection stop you... every bad thing that happens in life is a lesson learned! I have definitely realised this over the past year!
Chapter 15: Stood Up
Fred says: "Letting someone down is unkind and it exhibits a lack of respect."
Now, I haven't been stood up in the past but I have been kept waiting and believe me it is not a nice thing. It makes you feel worthless and like you're easy for them to push around and use you. If you are the person that 'stands people up' or leaves them waiting then... well... you are a d***. Be honest! This is definitely not where I am going wrong; I am completely honest and I do not pussy foot around. I say it how it is, other people need to learn this too!
Chapter 16: Just Friends
Fred says: "Make sure the friendship is a mutual one and you haven't confused it with something else."
As I said before, I am a flirt so sometimes I do give people the wrong impression; but I do not lead them on to the point that they think we are more than friends. I make it fully aware that we are friends and I make fully fully aware that we are on the same page. Anyone who purposely leads someone on to them shut them down is an absolute pig who does not deserve a happy relationship... they are the reason why everyone is scared of dating and love!
Fred says: "The second date is often more serious because it involves a deeper level of intimacy."
This I swear by! I personally don't like to kiss on the first date... I'm not saying that is a written rule of mine, but that's just what I have gone by so far. If I kiss on the first date and then actually realise that I'm not attracted to them, then I'd feel like I have led them on and I'd have to shut them down. If there is a second date then obviously I can see the relationship going somewhere. My second date with my last boyfriend was more relaxed than the first. It gave us a chance to fully relax and be ourselves. Our second date was at mine, we had Dominos, a few beers and watched some films (I'm easily pleased... pizza and alcohol over diamonds any day)! We were no longer strangers... we were fully comfortable with each other... we had our first kiss and he asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend. I love second dates! There's something about the intimacy and the fact that you've reached past the awkward first dates stage!
Chapter 18: Back for More
Fred says: "Love is not always a straight and easy road, but every twist and turn will help you get to where you want to be."
Ok this quote is what I needed to hear (Thank you Fred)! As you all may know, I have been single for 5/6 months now and it hasn't been easy. I have had my heart broken... yes it is so cliche but I really did like him. I do feel like I am getting over him now and I am focussing on me more and making myself happy! Love is not easy and I do need to remember I am only 19. I do not need to be worrying about relationships. I am a strong believer of there being someone for everyone. I may have several more relationships or I may actually meet the person who I am destined to marry... who knows!?
The moral of all of this is; although dating can be a roller coaster of emotions, you need to just go with it... ride it... yes I went there! Whatever is meant to be, will find the way.
If you're in the daunting/fun world of dating then you NEED to get this book. It is like the Bible to dating and Fred is the God! AMEN (hopefully... see what I did there ;) )
I hope you liked this post... It's a bit different to what I usually do but I really enjoyed writing it!
Let me know in the comments below what your dating experiences have been like... Good or bad... LET ME KNOW ALL THE DIRTY GOSS ;)
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