Petals Of Perfection

Recently I have been feeling a bit lost, a bit distant and out of touch from the world. So many things are happening all at once. So many changes. I don't know how to feel about it all and how to keep up with it. It feels like the world is carrying on around me at lightening speed and I'm going in slow motion. I've got my exams at the end of this week and next week and I have been cramming in as much revision as I physically can. But what am I going to do after that? I've my birthday and my sister's to look forward to and a holiday but that is about it!

I've got this sudden fear that I'm actually going to have time by myself to think (overthink) about everything. Last summer was tough... I had just finished a stressful year at uni, my ex dumped me and I had little to no friends. If it wasn't for Nicole and Katie (And Jack) I would have had one of the worst summers ever! I pretty much spent 4 months home alone, trying to find things to do during the day but had zero motivation to actually do them. 

I'd spend hours in bed just staring at the ceiling, thinking about life, endlessly scrolling through Twitter and Facebook until my fingers cramped up. Crying over my break up, feeling miserable day in and day out. I spent hours exercising (literally 2/3 hours on my exercise bike non-stop) just to fill the day up and to keep my mind active, so I didn't overthink every little detail and put myself in a bad mood. 

I know a lot of students feel like this, especially once they graduate and they are left to fend for themselves. I am dreading that feeling and I am praying that I'll be able to find a job as soon as possible. I guess I get the same sort of feelings as graduates do. I long for a break, uni is so intense and there is always something going on. But when you have time to actually stop and think and to have a bit of 'me' time, it isn't always a good thing. You're so alone in your own thoughts and you don't know what to do with yourself. I know my sister felt like this as well throughout uni and when she graduated, so I know it is all normal, but it still doesn't make it easy. 

A lot of people say to me "Enjoy your summer, you finally have a break and nothing to worry about" but the thing is, I can't fully enjoy it. Yes, it is nice to not have any guilt for chilling on the sofa and watching a film but at the same time, your mind is so used to being active and on the go 24/7, that your whole body just crashes. Like a deflating ballon, slowly shrivelling up and losing all motivation (air) to go through another day of being home alone. This year I have been actively looking for work experience/Internships to fill up some time and to gain some experience and possibly earn money, so I am hoping that I get something. However, I still need a break... I am really struggling to find the balance. 

Last year was tough and the lonely days got the better of me, to the point where one day I just broke down and told my parents I needed to see the doctor about my mental health. I was so consumed by own thoughts that I just wanted to speak to someone different. Which brings me on to talking about how important Mental Health Awareness Week is. From today (8th May) until the 14th May, it is Mental Health Awareness Week. A week of spreading awareness, supporting each other, opening up to loved ones or someone you trust. Share your story and help other people to share theirs. Don't let your thoughts consume you like mine did. Make this your week to open up and get help, or to just talk to a friend and feel less alone.